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April 2, 1998
I have felt different and alone most of my adult life because of my sexual orientation. At one time, some years ago, I erroneously believed that the lesbian community would be supportive of me but I’ve found out that that definitely is not the case. (Definitely not the case as in, “I’m looking for a GENUINE lesbian. No men, couples, bi’s, or drugs…”) The “straight” world doesn’t know what to make of bisexuality, either. The only women who really understand, I believe, are those who have been in the same position at some time in their lives, and it’s hard to meet those women. They tend to be invisible out there in the world unless you know specifically how to connect with them. Thank God for places like Chrysalis Women’s Center bisexual women’s support group! We could use more resources like that!
I know that some lesbian women view bisexuality as the inability or unwillingness to make a commitment to lesbianism, and as such, it’s considered a phony and frivolous stance in life. There is suspicion and mistrust there because we bisexual women act as though we like women but at the same time we’re perceived as wanting to retain our “heterosexual privilege.” Granted, there are plenty of women out there who just want to give sex with another woman a try for the novelty and intrigue of it or to please a male partner with a threesome, with no interest in it beyond that superficial physical level. I have no interest in a sexual involvement with those women, either. I need and want the emotional connection with a woman, the kind of closeness that comes from sharing interests, spending time together, allowing another person to see beyond the superficial traits.
I’ve been bisexual since my teens, somehow never quite going through a stage or “orientation” that seems so popular in the personals ads, that of being “bi-curious.” That first relationship which began with my best friend at the end of 10th grade happened so naturally and spontaneously, with absolutely no thought whatsoever spent beforehand on pondering, “I wonder what it would be like with another woman. I wonder if I could just try it. No hassles or commitments or anything.” (Like smoking one’s first cigarette just to see what it’s all about without wanting to be called a “smoker.” The big difference, however, is that people aren’t objects to be experimented with.) It just happened because we loved each other and wanted to share that newly-discovered pleasure with each other.
I have felt different and alone most of my adult life because of my sexual orientation. At one time, some years ago, I erroneously believed that the lesbian community would be supportive of me but I’ve found out that that definitely is not the case. (Definitely not the case as in, “I’m looking for a GENUINE lesbian. No men, couples, bi’s, or drugs…”) The “straight” world doesn’t know what to make of bisexuality, either. The only women who really understand, I believe, are those who have been in the same position at some time in their lives, and it’s hard to meet those women. They tend to be invisible out there in the world unless you know specifically how to connect with them. Thank God for places like Chrysalis Women’s Center bisexual women’s support group! We could use more resources like that!
I know that some lesbian women view bisexuality as the inability or unwillingness to make a commitment to lesbianism, and as such, it’s considered a phony and frivolous stance in life. There is suspicion and mistrust there because we bisexual women act as though we like women but at the same time we’re perceived as wanting to retain our “heterosexual privilege.” Granted, there are plenty of women out there who just want to give sex with another woman a try for the novelty and intrigue of it or to please a male partner with a threesome, with no interest in it beyond that superficial physical level. I have no interest in a sexual involvement with those women, either. I need and want the emotional connection with a woman, the kind of closeness that comes from sharing interests, spending time together, allowing another person to see beyond the superficial traits.
I’ve been bisexual since my teens, somehow never quite going through a stage or “orientation” that seems so popular in the personals ads, that of being “bi-curious.” That first relationship which began with my best friend at the end of 10th grade happened so naturally and spontaneously, with absolutely no thought whatsoever spent beforehand on pondering, “I wonder what it would be like with another woman. I wonder if I could just try it. No hassles or commitments or anything.” (Like smoking one’s first cigarette just to see what it’s all about without wanting to be called a “smoker.” The big difference, however, is that people aren’t objects to be experimented with.) It just happened because we loved each other and wanted to share that newly-discovered pleasure with each other.
I quite vividly remember Jane asking me the next morning if I felt strange or guilty about anything that we had done the night before, if I felt any differently about her.
“No,” I answered simply. “Do you?”
“No,” she replied. “I just feel all the closer to you.” We looked intently at each other as we made this acknowledgment, enjoying that special moment, not knowing how these feelings would affect us in the years ahead. We were best friends and lovers over the course of the next two years.
If things had been different in my relationship with Jane at that time, there’s a possibility that I could have adopted lesbianism as my way of life. However, things were rocky between Jane and me (although they were always good in bed!) She was depressed and self-destructive. She attempted suicide three times during the course of our relationship and was involved with drugs towards the end of it. I did what I could to help, but without a willingness on her part to help herself, there eventually was nothing I could do but end the relationship in an effort to take care of myself. And my fiance was there, as was hers. It diverted me from making that unconventional decision regarding my lifestyle, which I know I really wasn’t up to dealing with at the age of seventeen.
I’ve thought a lot about the issue of bisexuality being an avoidance of coming out as a lesbian. Early in my twenties, I spent a lot of energy and thought on that issue. I had many lesbian friends, went with them regularly to lesbian coffeehouses and bars (and, yes, slept with more than a few of them on a casual basis), and attended a GLBT church. I allowed myself to be filmed in the front row of that church for a TV special about the gay community in the Twin Cities. I was quite “out” and understood completely what it felt like to be same-sex oriented, even though I was a married woman. I couldn’t tell my husband to buzz off because of his gender, however, even though that’s what some of my lesbian acquaintances encouraged me to do. He’s a very sensitive, gentle, caring and giving man, and I can’t imagine life without him. (He’s been a part of my life for 27 1/2 years now – 64% of it already!)
This era of my life also speaks quite pointedly to the fact that if I sincerely felt deep in my heart that I was a lesbian and wished to have intimate relationships only with the same sex, I have the inner courage to follow that path. Indecision and lack of inner courage have never seemed to be traits that apply to me!
If my husband were to predecease me or we were to divorce, I have given consideration to what I would do. Would I then come out as a lesbian? The answer is still no. If my relationship with him were to come to an end, my next serious relationship could be with a woman, a woman I may spend the rest of my life with in happy sexual monogamy. But I would always have that knowledge of my potential to love and appreciate the opposite gender and would remain self-identified as bisexual, even if I chose not to have a sexual relationship with a man again.
It has now been seventeen years since my last sexual relationship with a woman. The pieces just weren’t fitting together decently for me back at the time that last relationship ended in 1981. I seemed to be getting involved in two kinds of relationships: the other woman was a lesbian and got emotionally involved to the extent of wanting me to leave my husband, or she was “bi-curious” (although that phrase wasn’t in popular use then) and felt uncomfortable with the experience if it hinted at anything other than a “no strings attached” sexual experience. Neither one was fulfilling my needs. I knew beyond any doubts that I was bisexual. I did not want to leave my husband, nor did I want to get involved with a woman who was afraid of emotional closeness and intimacy. I needed a relationship that could blend the important parts of my life in the right proportions – and those right proportions were not achieved at that time. (However, my sexual appetite being what it was in my twenties, I got involved in plenty of situations that really shouldn’t have happened if I had been using any shred of good judgment!)
A couple of years back, though, I hit a major crisis brought about by some losses in my life and found myself nosediving into depression. I sought help for that, and as part of that endeavor realized that I had to get back in touch with the core of my being. I felt empty. I felt as though I had given up a lot of myself along the way. Hence, the ads in Yahoo when we got our Internet service in December as an attempt to reconnect with my feelings, my priorities, and my inner sense of community and belonging.
I’ve got to be who I am. I need the closeness of women in my life. I’ve found that I need the closeness of the GLBT community in general in my life. I don’t know if I’ll ever have a sexual relationship with a woman again. It depends on if the circumstances are right – and my judgment of that IS much more refined now that what it ever was before! – but that’s not even the most important thing anymore. The important thing is being true to myself and being open to the potential that lies within.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our lives begin to end
the day we become silent
about things that
matter.
-Martin Luther King, Jr.-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I’ve struggled with this issue a bit lately: what to do with the personal subject matter of my sexual orientation? A significant part of me wanted to just put it in my “regular” blog where I write about a variety of subjects pertaining to my life. Why make this topic any different from writing about my marriage or my job or the movies I’ve seen?
Because it is different.
I’ve got a few friends on my other blog who might be uncomfortable reading about my sexual orientation. I don’t want to subject them to that discomfort unless they actively express an interest in knowing, either directly or because they’ve come across my blog through certain search terms that they themselves have employed. I don’t want to open up a lot of controversies with nonsupportive, unappreciative folks! That’s not the purpose of writing a blog like this.
So what IS the purpose? The purpose is to allow myself to talk about, share, and explore these issues without censoring myself. I feel as though I’m in a phase of my life again where I need to do that. I need to connect with some like-minded people and develop a personal support group who can appreciate this journey. For the most part, this has been a very lonely journey, and I’m very frustrated with being isolated and lonely!
I’ll give Marissa some credit here for getting this particular journal underway. Her post, “Censoring Me,” rattled my cage, got me to thinking about this issue of what to say where. I don’t really like compartmentalizing my life this way. I feel as though I should just be able to put everything out there in proud and forthright terms, my personal photo right along side those posts, my friends and family able to read it if they so choose, without trepidation and concern about the consequences. But that’s a Perfect World, the one that exists in my fantasy life! I know that there would be concerns and possible unpleasant repercussions if I put it all out there under my true, unveiled identity. This is a compromise, a relatively safe place to write without censoring myself, and I need that right now.
So, if you’re an invited friend, or if you’ve come across this blog because you’re looking for like-minded folks as well, stop and read. Comment. Become a friend.
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