Life has not been standing still for me over the past few weeks.  This fast-paced social life, its multi-faceted comnponents, and its resulting conversations with my spouse led me to write the following letter to a new acquaintance Monday evening:

Anne,

 

I slept in Sunday morning until about 10:00.  That is the latest I’ve slept in quite awhile.  Dave then cooked breakfast: scrambled eggs, bacon, fried potatoes, fresh bread from the oven.  (He is a novice at breadmaking and makes a loaf about every weekend, always tweaking the recipe a little each time.)  Early in the afternoon, I finished the bracelet I had started making at Linda’s on Saturday and was pleased with the way it turned out.  We then went for a long walk since it was such a nice afternoon.

 

When we got back from our walk, I had to do some laundry since Dave was down to one pair of clean underwear.  The cats also needed some litterbox maintenance.  I’ve been negligent in my duties this past week, it seems, and my “dependents” were a bit neglected!

 

Dave slow-cooked a beef brisket on the grill for supper, rubbed with a bit of cayenne pepper.  It was darn tasty!  We had some red wine with that, and then a little more red wine as we were sitting together talking in the evening.

 

I’ve talked a bit about you to him, and I’ve talked quite a bit to him about the new friend I met from OKCupid Friday evening, “RandiSue.”  I don’t know if this is just a coincidence in my life or something else, but “RandiSue” is a trans woman as well.  Dave said something to me Sunday evening that took me quite by surprise.  He said something to the effect, “Since we’re being really honest here, and I’ve got a few glasses of wine in me, I wanted to share with you something I realized this afternoon.  I’m uncomfortable with your relationships with trans women.”

 

This caught me off-guard because this is not a new situation in our household.  I have had transgendered friends, acquaintances, and yes, lovers dating back to my early 20s when I first came out as a bisexual woman here in the Twin Cities.  I have had them over to the house.  They’ve shared supper with Dave and me.  I’ve talked openly with him about my friends in the past, and he’s never said a word about being uncomfortable with them or my relationships with them.

 

However, one thing you should know about my husband is that he is a feelings stuffer.  He has held in some fairly major feelings in the past that has put us in a crisis mode when eventually they come out and I’m left sitting there with my mouth hanging open because I didn’t know he was feeling any of that.  He has not shared feelings with me in the past for fear of the reaction he’d get from me.  Consequently, he holds them in until some trigger event sends them spewing.

 

Looking at it from this perspective, what he said to me was good.  He was sharing something with me rather than withholding it for fear of what I’d do if he said something.  He further went on in a manner that I give the guy a heck of a lot of credit for.  Rather than delivering any demands or ultimatums to me about my relationships, he said, “I’m uncomfortable with it, but that’s MY problem.  Maybe I’m in for a growth experience here.”  I found that to be a very positive attitude about his feelings.  It showed ownership of his feelings without blaming anyone else for those feelings, and it showed a responsibility for those feelings.  In spite of any discomfort and insecurities he may have, he is a very, very good man.

 

I didn’t press him to explain his feelings then.  I didn’t argue with him.  I accepted it.  I sat next to him and squeezed his hand and thanked him for sharing it.  We left it at that that night.  We went to bed on a positive note, even though his statement of discomfort surprised me.

 

Do his feelings concern me?  Yes, definitely.  I am very disquieted.  What am I going to do about it?  I’m not sure!

 

I need to uphold my own set of values, but I need to do it in a way that does not cause undue turmoil between Dave and me.  The relationship I have with him is very, very important to both of us.  In the polyamorous parlance I’ve been exposed to, he is my “Primary.”  (We have practiced a very limited form of polyamory throughout our marriage.  He and I are the primary relationship and have been for 35 years.  I am the only partner of the two of us who has had relationships other than that primary relationship, and I generally have never gotten involved with more than one other person at a time.)  Whenever I consider entering into another intimate relationship, I have to first and foremost consider how it is going to work with that primary relationship (i.e. my marriage!)   If it’s not a good fit, it’s not going to happen out of respect and concern for that primary relationship.  That’s how it works in our household.

 

I’m treading cautiously right now.  I need to feel my way through this situation with him.  I don’t feel it’s in order to adopt a “bull in a china shop” sort of mentality and recklessly plow ahead with any agenda that I may have.  That would be disrespectful and unmindful of his feelings and not a good thing.  Not a good thing at all.

 

I needed to share this with you because I know that you are interested in having me as a lover.  I’m quite concerned about going down that path.  It doesn’t feel like what I should be doing right now.  I can, however, be a very, VERY good friend, and I want to be.  I think that a good friendship would be beneficial to both of us.

 

I welcome your thoughts.

Kinsey