The role of sexual fantasy has always been important in my life.  My imagination is rich and diverse and travels many colorful, interesting paths.  In my younger years, I could fantasize for hours, maintaining an incredible arousal as I visualized the imaginary participants in my scenarios.  These fantasies were so vivid and real to me that it was more like directing a movie in my mind.  The “movie” would be completely improvisational, though, aside from a rough sketch of the situation.  I would literally say to myself, “Here is the outline of scene.  Here are the people involved.  Take it from there.”  And I would watch it unfold and act it out.

This is the basis for the erotic stories I’ve written in the past.  I have watched my fantasy actors play out a scenario in my mind, and later, I’ve written it down, coloring in the details.  (Usually I have to stop and masturbate while I’m trying to write my story, which sometimes makes for a long process in trying to get a story in tangible form!)

I used to be able to immerse myself in a complex, realistic fantasy fairly effortlessly.  Now, unfortunately, it doesn’t happen very often.  The levels of hormones have dropped off from what they were in my teens, twenties and thirties.  Make no mistake about it, I was heavily influenced by circulating levels of sex hormones then, particularly at the start of my period and when I was ovulating.  My body at both of those times was at a hypersensitive level of sexual awareness.  I had some of my best sexual fantasies then and wrote some of my best stories at that time.

Now…. not so much.  I’ll be 53 in two months, and my ovaries don’t do much anymore.  I’m on a minimal level of hormone replacement therapy to control hot flashes and depression.  My brain often feels fairly sluggish and apathetic about sexual matters.

Imagine my surprise when a genuine stretch of heightened sexual awareness came my way recently.  I even have suspicions that I ovulated last month, judging from the five days of pain I had in my belly that didn’t seem to have any other explanation. 

I was home alone over the weekend and I took advantage of the privacy to see where my mind would go if I encouraged it.  I took a long, warm bath, shaved myself smooth from pits to ankles, and then stretched out on the bed.  I found some body lotion in the nightstand drawer that I had forgotten about.  I bought it a year ago at a boutique.  It’s a sensuous scent, a mixture of sandalwood and citrus, and I love it.  I smoothed it over my entire body, breathing deeply of the heady aroma.  I let my mind go….

Randy and Peggy came out to play.  Briefly, Randy is a man who professes to be gay and has lived with his male partner for a dozen years.  However, he and Peggy love each other and have a dynamic, imaginative sex life!  As their relationship matured and deepened, Peggy became a part of Randy and Vince’s life together, and she witnessed and shared Randy’s intense pleasure as he welcomed Vince into his body in that way that two men can.  (I’m being somewhat discreet!  I don’t want this blog censored!)

Later, she shared with Randy that she would like to experience what he experienced that night with Vince, that it would be a way of knowing what it felt like to be in his skin, to feel what he felt when he accepted his man into his body.  She wanted Randy to do the very same thing with her.

And for an hour, I watched in my mind as Randy guided her down that earthy, unexplored path…

I reveled in my creativity, my sensuality, my vitality, excited and aroused as I felt what Randy felt, as I felt what Peggy felt.  I love my sexual fluidity at times like that!

I must appreciate the occasions when this still happens rather than lament that those times are all too few and far between!