I was spending some time on Ye Olde Dating Site this afternoon and came across a journal entry from a 31 year old presurgical trans woman. Someone commented on how brave she is in dealing with her issues, and she responded, “There’s nothing brave about me. I’m a big huge coward and I’m taking years longer than I should be to get through this process because of my immense cowardice. I’m being open about who I am online because I’m too much of a coward and too non-confrontational to leave it as the non-issue it really ought to be… “
I commented that I’ve dated trans women in their 40s and 50s who were just then dealing with some of the issues she is dealing with. (She delete my comment so I can’t quote myself directly!) I went on to say that everyone follows their own timetable for these things, including SRS, and she shouldn’t feel pressured to be at a certain place with some things because she thinks she should be or she perceives that others think she should be in a certain place with it. I wished her the best of luck on her journey.
Moments later, I get this IM from her through the website’s Instant Messaging function:
5:12:52 pm)Kate:Very presumtuous of you.
(5:13:05 pm)Kate:I think I’m going to go ahead and cancel your comment rather than post a reply to it.
(5:13:33 pm)Kate:I just don’t have the energy to correct peoples’ misconceptions right now.
(5:13:52 pm)Kate:Thank you for making me feel more misunderstood, isolated and alone, though.
(5:15:35 pm)Kinsey:I’m not sure what I was presumptuous about. I mentioned SRS. If it’s not a consideration, it’s not a consideration. It isn’t for everyone.
(5:16:21 pm)Kate:What’s presumptuous of you is assuming that the reason I feel I’m taking too long has anything to do with anyone’s else’s opinion of how long it should take.
(5:16:47 pm)Kate:Not everyone is capable of living in the wrong body for 40 to 50 years and still remaining reasonably functional.
(5:17:13 pm)Kate:If I take much longer, I’m going to end up on disability and will never ever be able to afford to complete the process.
(5:17:21 pm)Kate:And at that point I might as well fucking kill myself.
(5:17:36 pm)Kate:Also, yes, I find the notion of equating “woman” with “person who has a vagina” to be somewhat offensive.
(5:17:56 pm)Kate:As would many other feminists.
Wow. All of this in response to what seems to be a couple of pretty innocent sentences and my best wishes for her happiness! I felt very attacked!
Did I block her? I’m afraid I did. :=(
2 comments
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January 16, 2009 at 11:38 pm
BEAR A-M Rodgers
Kinsey, I just wanted you to know that I am with you on being confused about Kate’s attack. My take on it is that you were not telling her to get SRS, just commenting that SRS is one of the many things people need to do when they feel it is right instead of when others dictate. Matter of fact, I got into a fuss with another pre-op MTF over your blog. I think most of my comments ended up calling her a hypocrite.
Just for reference, I am a transitioned FTM. I often have discussions with other FTMs about either get on with theirr transition or stop whining about it. At least your comments were kind and sensitive.
January 17, 2009 at 12:22 pm
kinsey3
I was simply responding to this writer’s comment that she was “taking years longer than she should be to get through this process.” She’s only in her early 30s. Many of the trans people I’ve known have been much older when they even started to acknowedge it. There is no set timetable for what needs to happen when. That’s all I was trying to say. I must have misunderstood the whole situation because what resulted from what I felt was an innocent comment meant to lend support was an attack on me as a cruel, insensitive person.
What is in my blog that would cause a fuss with anyone? It is merely my life’s story.