I had my first sexual relationship with a girl who was my high school best friend. We were best friends during 9th grade and until the very end of 10th grade. In May at the end of that sophomore year in high school, we made love for the first time, nervous about what it potentially labeled us but reveling in the pleasure nonetheless.

Early in our senior year of high school, after I had been engaged for several months, she wrote me a letter, written on stationery that I had given her as a gift. (Yes, it was somewhat of a gag gift. She had constipation problems, and I found this stationery at Spencer Gifts with a box of Ex-Lax printed on the header.) I remember that it began, “I love you. It is as simple and as complicated as that.” It went on to say, “I know that my life is meant to be with you, but if I can’t be with you, then I will marry Steve…”

The truth? Steve aside and Dave aside, we could not have made it together as a couple. We were both from heavily dysfunctional families. I was trying to keep my head above water and later earned myself the title “survivor.” She was going under for the third time, very depressed, periodically suicidal, turning to marijuana, alcohol and street drugs as self-medication, and refusing any encouragement to seek professional counseling. I would not have lasted long in such an intimate relationship. That’s the bottom line and the truth when people ask, “What happened to that high school girlfriend you speak of?”

I still do think of her from time to time, even though 35 years has passed since the last I saw her. Every now and then, something will trigger a memory. For me, it often is music. I was playing some CDs this evening after Dave went to bed, the headphones clamped on and the volume up. I selected some compilations that had hits from the 60s and 70s on them. One of Jayne’s favorite songs was “Cherry Hill Park” by Billy Joe Royal, and I remember being up in her bedroom one evening, pleasuring each other, while the phonograph played this 45 over and over again.

“Oh, Mary Hill sure was fun down in Cherry Hill Park.
Playing games with everyone ’til way after dark…”

I hope you’re okay, babe, and I really do wish that things could have been different.