As some of my friends on WordPress and MyFace know, my husband and I recently offered our home to a 42-year-old friend whom I met through a blog about a year ago and her 11-year-old son.  For purposes of this post, I will call them Vickie and John.

Vickie has had a life full of challenges.  She comes from a dysfunctional family where there was a history of childhood physical, emotional and sexual abuse.  Her father abused both her and her younger sister.  The younger sister, Vickie’s only sibling,  died some years back of cancer at the age of 32.  Vickie no longer has any contact with her parents.  The dynamics were just too dysfunctional to deal with and she did not want to expose her son to those dynamics.

As is often and sadly the case, Vickie married a man who was abusive.  She was married to him for 14 years.  The final straw was when he started to beat up on their young son.  At that point, Vickie loaded up everything she could into a rundown Toyota Corolla and set off on her own from Fort Worth, eventually settling in San Antonio, Texas.

During the time preceeding her divorce, she met a man through an Internet group who lived in the U.K.  A longterm relationship ensued, with Mike making many short visits here to the U.S. and Vickie and John spending six months at one stretch in England with him.  However, Vickie and John couldn’t stay in England as much as they wanted to because of custody issues concerning John, a minor, even though his father really had no role in taking care of John.  He’s a gameplayer and a manipulator and just wants to make sure that no one else gets what they want.  Vickie and John returned to the U.S., leaving Mike in England. 

Vickie and Mike married when he was in Texas for a visit a year ago.  He’s been back for one visit since then.  The plan was to begin the legal immigration process in earnest after the first of this year when Vickie got her income tax refund and could afford to hire an immigration lawyer to help them move this process along with as few glitches as possible.  They were trying to get Mike here on a spousal visa, requiring that the U.S. spouse be gainfully employed.

Vickie lost her job the end of January when her company eliminated 300 jobs nationwide due to the severe recession that is going on in our country.  She was living paycheck to paycheck with no substantial savings to speak of.  She received a month’s severance pay from her employer.  That and a tax refund she had yet to receive was what she had to fall back on short-term.

She wanted to leave Texas and put some miles between her and her ex-spouse who is psychopathic and skilled at playing tormenting mind-games, leaving her constantly on edge and vigilant about her and John’s safety and wellbeing.  The bottom line is that Dave and I offered her and John our home until she could get on her feet again.  Dave flew to San Antonio on February 23, rented a U-Haul truck, and drove Vickie, John and their possessions to Minnesota.

They have been here two weeks now.  All is going well.  John started school on Monday this week and loves his new school and his classes.  Vickie is applying for jobs.  We have shopped for interview clothes for her.  There have been a steady supply of hugs and “love you’s” in our home.   We’re all working together as a family, as a team.  For the first time in Vickie and John’s lives, they feel like they have a family, a support system.  It’s been an awesome feeling to watch them take all this in, to realize that they’re not alone in the world to struggle with their issues, that there are others right there for them, ready to lend a hand.

The response from family (mostly Dave’s) and friends has been overwhelmingly supportive and positive. However, yesterday I received this email from my 73-year-old cousin in Ohio:

GOOD MORING, I HOPE YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING. YOU AND DAVE HAVE  BEEN ALONE FOR 38 YRS DOING WHAT YOU WANT TO DO AT WHEN YOU WANT TO DO IT . WHEN YOU WANT SOME QUITE TIME YOU WORK ON YOUR BEADS AND DAVE CAN WORK ON HIS MODEL BOAT . I JUST KNOW THAT WE COULD NOT TAKE THAT KIND OF STRESS . WHAT ABOUT HER HUSBAND #? MIKE . HOW COULD SHE JUST BACK UP AND LEAVE . READING HER BLOG I KNOW SHE HAS HAD A MIX UP LIFE . IM SORRY I HAD TO IT OFF MY CHEST . WE LOVE YOU TOOOOO MUCH FOR YOU TO GET HURT. HOPE THINGS WORK OUT FOR YOU AND DAVE .                  LOVE B & J

My mouth dropped open at this email.  At first, I thought it was some kind of  joke.  Who would possibly criticize a family member for helping out a woman and her son, even if it does allow less time for stringing beads and working on model ship building?

Yes, Dave and I have been married for 36 years this June.  No, we haven’t had children.  It’s been the two of us, taking care of ourselves, doing our own thing.  We come and go as we please.  We’ve never had to hire babysitters.  (Cat-sitters, yes.  Babysitters, no.)  As it stands now, we’ve got a three-bedroom house for two people who share the same room, a dual-income professional household, no debt except for the mortgage, and two cats.  I’m home alone 50% of the time while he travels on business. 

We are completely at peace with the decision to offer our home to two people who need a family and a stable place to stay.  It feels wonderful to give of ourselves.  I feel happier than I’ve ever felt before to know that I am genuinely making a difference in two people’s lives, a lasting difference, one that will bolster them in the years ahead.  If it came down to a choice between putting all my beads in the trash or doing this for Vickie and John, I would gladly do this.

I’m sad that my cousin just doesn’t get this.  However, he is a man who has never had any children or grandchildren, has only owned one dog in his life who died 40 years ago and he and his wife couldn’t stand the pain of the loss so he never adopted another one.  They keep to themselves and don’t get involved in much.  It’s disheartening that he couldn’t offer some words of support for this reaching out, this caring gesture, rather than sending words of skepticism that smacked of condescension, casting doubt on two responsible and steadfast adults’ decisions to help others.

I don’t get it, but I’m glad I don’t.  The words that I wrote to my cousin in reply couldn’t be more true:  I’m happier than I’ve ever been.   The happiness comes from making a difference in the lives of others, a difference that can only happen when one ceases to cling to the selfish notion that the world revolves only around himself.