On My Own Terms

Often, when my husband is traveling on business, I will rent a movie from Netflix that may be something he wouldn’t particularly be interested in.  Usually they’re suspense or horror films that don’t appeal to him, but sometimes they’re “chick flicks” or a movie from the GLBT genre.  Last night’s selection was Chasing Amy, a movie released in 1997.  It showed at some of our indie theaters at the time, and it was recommended to me by a friend who saw it, but I hadn’t seen it until last night.  And it wasn’t quite what I expected.

My friend who recommended it to me back around the time it came out said that it was about bisexuality, a subject near and dear to my heart — and to my friend’s as well!  I suppose in a certain sense the movie could be about bisexuality, but not in the stereotypical sense of a bi woman freely having partners of both sexes.  (That is the stereotypical version of bisexuality, and that isn’t often the reality of people’s lives!)

It is about a young, gorgeous woman, Alyssa Jones, who is very out as a lesbian.  She and this guy meet because they are both involved in writing and publishing their own comic books.  They travel in the same circle of acquaintances.  They hit it off and start hanging out together as friends.  Holden is very aware that Alyssa is a lesbian because Alyssa is open and honest about it and invites Holden’s questions and comments.  Holden falls in love with her and finally tells her of his love, in one of the eloquent scenes I have ever seen.  Alyssa freaks out, but within minutes after the freak-out, she and Holden are in each other’s arms.  A sexual relationship develops.

Holden and Alyssa have just made love and are lying together when this dialogue takes place:

HOLDEN: Can I ask you something?

ALYSSA:  Don’t even tell me you want to do it again.

HOLDEN: Why me – you know?  Why now?

ALYSSA: Because you were giving me that look, and I got wet…

HOLDEN:  You know what I’m talking about.

ALYSSA: Why not you?

HOLDEN: I’m a guy.  You’re attracted to girls.

ALYSSA: I see you’ve been taking notes.  Historically, yes, that’s true.

HOLDEN: Then why this?

ALYSSA: I’ve given that a lot of thought, you know?  I mean, now that I’m being ostracized by my friends, I’ve had a lot of time to think about all of this.  And what I’ve come up with is really simple: I came to this on my terms.  I didn’t just heed what I was taught, you know?  Men and women should be together, it’s the natural way – that kind of thing.  I’m not with you because of what family, society, life tried to instill in me from day one.  The way the world is – how seldom you meet that one person who gets you… it’s so rare.   My parents didn’t really have it.  There was no example set for me in the world of male/female relationships.  And to cut oneself off from finding that person – to immediately half your options by eliminating the possibility of finding that one person within your own gender… that just seemed stupid. So I didn’t.  And by leaving my options open, I was branded ‘gay,’ which to me was no big deal – labels are labels, you know?  They define what you do, not who you are, I guess.

But then you come along.  You – the one least likely; I mean, you were a guy.

HOLDEN: Still am.

ALYSSA: And while I was falling for you, I put a ceiling on that, because you were a guy.  Until I remembered why I opened the door to women in the first place – to not limit the likelihood of finding that one person who’d compliment me so completely.  And so here we are, I was thorough when I looked for you, and I feel justified lying in your arms – because I got here on my terms, and have no question that there was someplace I didn’t look.  And that makes all the difference.

HOLDEN: Shit.

ALYSSA: What?

HOLDEN: Well, you took the luster out of it.

ALYSSA: What luster?

HOLDEN: (joking – in case you didn’t get it)  Of how I brought you back from the other side.  How all you needed was the right man to turn you around.

ALYSSA: You’re not the right man. (kisses him) You’re just the one.

This was powerful stuff to me because I know exactly how Alyssa feels in this scene.  She is embracing her fluidity, her range of emotions and desires, her complexity, in spite of what labels she may have previously accepted about herself. She recognizes that if she refuses to allow her feelings for Holden on the basis that she is a lesbian, then she has done the exact thing that she rebelled against as teen and young adult when she refused to accept heterosexuality as the path of least resistance.

Exactly what I did, except I never declared myself a lesbian.  And because I didn’t but remained steadfast in my acknowledgment of my sexual attraction to women, I was not accepted by and large by my peers who identified as lesbians.  I was called a “fence-sitter,” one of those who are stuck in that phase of not being able to make up their minds.  I heard more times than I can recount, “You’re just afraid to come out as the lesbian you really are.”

No, I’m not afraid to do anything.  I always said that it would be a hell of a lot easier to come out as a lesbian, to be one of those woman for whom a relationship with a man just isn’t even a consideration, than to be very aware of my sexual fluidity and choose only those labels — bisexuality, pansexuality, fluid sexuality — that embrace what I am.   I’m not going to say I’m a lesbian if I’m not.  Furthermore, I don’t tell anyone that I’m straight, either, because I’m not.  I’m just about anything but that!

I’m not afraid to be a woman who finds joy in loving someone of my own gender, but nor am I afraid to make a committed life with the one person who really “gets me,” even if that person is a man.  He “gets me,” and I have all that I really need.  It’s more than many people have even after a lifetime of searching.