Category Archive

I’m trying to develop a social network within the bisexual community here in the Twin Cities.  I’m trying to do my part towards supporting a sense of community for the bisexual population  within the GLBT community.  I believe in this cause.  It’s been sorely lacking in my own life, and I would imagine that many people who identify as bisexual feel the same sense of aloneness and isolation in their lives.

The only group I’ve connected with so far here in the Twin Cities that seems to have any merit in this regard is the Bisexual Organizing Project, and they have a grand total of 240 members, a handful of which participate in any social events!  That seems like a very low number considering the rather substantial bisexual population that must surely exist here in a large, liberal metropolitan area.  However, it is what it is.  (Organizing bisexuals is a lot like herding cats, a whole line of thinking reserved for another post!)

The monthly “bi brunch” is being held this Sunday at a member’s home northwest of Minneapolis, followed by the every-other-month board meeting.  I’ve vaciliated about attending.  I’ve been tending more towards going rather than not going since finding out through the Yahoo Group postings that Millie is otherwise occupied on Mother’s Day! 

I extended an offer to Anne to ride with me to the brunch and meeting on Sunday, aware that she currently does not have a car and relies mostly on public transit.  I’m not going to let that relationship of two “dates” duration deter me from getting involved with the group.  I have absolutely no ill feelings towards Anne.  I wanted to be her friend.

My husband has no ill feelings towards me being friends with Anne.  He stated that he had some trouble wrapping his head around my potential sexual involvement with trans women, and he further went on to later refine this discomfort to say that he has trouble with the concept of me getting sexually involved with pre-surgical trans women.  I understand this feeling, even though I don’t share his same level of discomfort.  I respect his feelings, especially since they were stated in a very appropriate personal ownership of these feelings without any demands, ultimatums, slams or insults in any way associated with his sharing of these feelings.

We’ve talked quite a lot about this whole situation in recent days, and I’m impressed with the level of honesty, open communication, and non-defensive sharing that has gone on.  I’ve acknowledged his feelings.  He’s acknowledged mine, and we’re learning from each other.  Saturday night, I did draw my line in the sand, which was this: “I understand your feelings about my potential sexual relationships with trans women, particularly pre-surgical trans women, but I expect that they’ll always be welcomed warmly as friends in our home and treated no differently than anyone else in that regard.” 

He was firm in his agreement of that position.  “Absolutely!” he stated.  “Of course!” 

Of course, I never expected that there would be any problem with that aspect of my relationships.  He’s a good man, not a bigot, not a “red neck,” not narrow-minded and rigid in his beliefs.  He’s trying to wrap his head around a complex set of issues, a set of issues that his own personal experiences have not covered in his life, and I respect him for the effort he puts into expanding his insights.

Anne, however, appeared to reject my offer of friendship.  The feeling I got was that if she can’t have me as a lover, then she doesn’t want my company.

So be it.  You can’t have everyone as your lover.  Some people are platonic friends, and that is well and good.

The Bisexual Organizing Project with its 240 members appears to be its own little ”Peyton Place,” with members having romantic and sexual partnerships with each other.  That seems to be a complicating factor in its dynamics.  Probably even interferes with its smooth operation at times, depending on who is sleeping with whom and who isn’t anymore, etc.!  I really would like to keep those complications to a minimum if I’m going to get more involved with this group!

Anne turned me down for the ride to the Brunch and Board Meeting on Sunday.  I told her to let me know if she changes her mind, that her contribution and input to the group is welcomed and appreciated.

I want to support this community, not do things to cause conflict and ill will.  Let’s pray I succeed. 

A strange turn of events this week.

A week ago, I signed up for a new dating site recommended by one of the women on my Yahoo Group, Coming Out as a Married Lesbian or Bisexual.   As I mentioned in a previous post, the Personals have ceased over this past year to be a productive means of meeting other bisexual women, and I’ve blamed that on my “over-the-hill” age of 52.  I’m sure that it puts me out of the age demographics of the folks who are cruising the sites.  50 is about the maximum age you’ll see listed as a search parameter unless the person doing the looking is 50 or older herself, and there are few of those in relation to the 18-40 year olds on these dating sites.

Anyhow, if it’s free to post a profile on a site, what’s the harm in trying?  You never know when someone interesting might come along and strike up a conversation!

Probably within 24 hours of posting my profile, I received a response from a local woman.  During the course of exchanging a few emails over the next several days, it came to light that she was at that BECAUSE conference last weekend.   Due to that commonality, I shared with her what had happened at the conference that Friday evening which resulted in my not returning for the full day of the conference on Saturday.  I gave her the link to this blog so she could read what I had written about it.

Along with having a traumatic time dealing with the conference, I also had misgivings about getting involved with activities that the Bisexual Organizing Project (BOP) here in the BiCities hosts for fear of who I would end up in the same room with.   My new acquaintance suggested that we go together to ”Chic Chat,” the girls-only night of food, beverage and conversation held at a coffee cafe close to the University of Minnesota campus on the first Saturday of the month.  With a companion for the evening, I felt comfortable giving it a whirl and agreed to go.

I had a very nice evening at the cafe.  There were 10-12 women there for Chic Chat.  The young woman sitting at the next table was also attending her first Chic Chat after being at the BECAUSE conference last weekend and we found we had our professional background in common.  Suddenly, acronyms such as BSL3, DNA, HIV, FDA, PCR and other phrases unique to our laboratory professions were flying back and forth.  I stopped at one point and laughed.  “You know, we’re talking a foreign language to the other guests here tonight!” I said. 

And I found out that BOP has a beading morning coming up on a Saturday morning a couple of weeks from now.  Yes, indeed, I’m thinking about going to that!  What could be better than a fellowship of bisexual women who like beads?  Not much, I’m thinking!  I’m on it!

My downfall of the evening, however, was not sticking to decaf coffee like I told myself I was going to before I left.  I don’t typically drink any caffeinated beverages after 9:30 in the morning on weekdays; a little later in the morning on weekends.  I’ve never been a coffee, tea or soft drink imbiber later in the day unless it’s decaffeinated.  I know what it does to me: I’ll be up all night!

I did not heed that advice and had a tall raspberry mocha latte or something like that last evening.  I got home about 10:30, completely wide awake.  At 1:30 when I went to bed, I was still completely wide awake.  Dave woke up when I came to bed and we talked.  He was awake and I was awake, and it was 2:30 at least before I managed to fall into a fitful sleep.  I slept off and on until about 9:00 this morning and then got up.  I am still tired and have a vague headache.  I can hold my liquor but I can’t hold my caffeine!

I’m pleased that the supportive circumstances came together for me to give BOP another try.  Fate has been kind to me this week!

When I got home Friday evening after attending the keynote address, Dave wanted to know how it went.  “Fine,” I said.  “Great speakers.  Great atmosphere.  I really belong there.  It’s a great place for me to be.”  Pause.  “I don’t know if I’m going back tomorrow for the conference.”

Whoa!

“Millie was there,” I explained in response to his confused expression.  “She sat right behind me during the presentation this evening.”

“Oh, Millie again,” he sympathized.

I sat down at the table with a glass of Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi and started going through the program of the next day’s events.  I found some critical information.  Millie was not only a attendee at the conference but she was also a presenter on Saturday, conducting the session, “Crossing Boundaries: A Moderated Discussion.”  In the program, this session was thusly described:  “Gay, lesbian, bi, trans, poly, swinger, kinky, BDSM, leather.  Do you identify with more than one of these groups?  We all reject some mainstream assumptions about sexuality, but we aren’t always accepting of each other.  This moderated discussion will explore crossing the boundaries between groups…”  Millie’s little bio said that she “identifies as bi, poly, and kinky.  Her recent introduction to kink has brought into sharp relief the lines we draw between ‘my group’ and ‘your group’ and has inspired her workshop offering.”

Well, obviously Millie has been doing a lot better than I’ve been doing since she has some new experiences to add to her repertoire since we last saw each other!  Am I jealous that she’s been more “active” than I’ve been during these past eight months?  Hell, yeah!

This further brought up the topic that I was concerned about.  If Millie was presenting at the conference, she apparently was involved to a fairly good extent with “BOP,” the Bisexual Organizing Project, which is the main group here in the BiCities that hosts bisexual events and get-togethers.  I had been thinking of becoming more active with them and checking out some of the social events.

Or maybe not.

Let’s just sum this up by saying that I went to bed a very unhappy, confused individual Friday night, knowing that I was behaving like an adolescent, knowing that I was cutting off my nose to spite my face, knowing that I was not taking an adult, mature approach to this sudden turn of events.

But that’s how I felt. 

I had been stressed about going to the conference, knowing that I’d need to push myself to socialize with a group of people where I knew no one (other than Millie!!)  I knew I was breaking ground into unchartered territory.  I knew I was confronting my own potential position in life as a Mentor rather than a Player.  There were just a lot of unknowns, and I was trying to deal with it and take off on a different course in my life!  Throw Millie into the mix in an unanticipated fashion and I was just completely off-balance.

I did not go to the conference on Saturday, as much as I wanted to attend Dr. Charmoli’s two sessions.  I spent the whole day at the computer, working on this blog.

Now, where to from here?  That, of course, is the question!

No answers yet.  Stay tuned!

Since online dating has tanked for me, I had to think about other options for meeting people (i.e. bisexual women.)  I knew that I needed to find a Real Life social circle, some way to get involved in a network of people that would bring me into the community I seek.  I needed to meet people face-to-face, perhaps with an external community focus involved, and bypass the whole “search parameters” thing that eliminated me from someone’s consideration on an online dating site before they had even met me!

I hadn’t done anything about it.  It’s easy to just let that sort of thing slide when one is busy with a full-time job, errands, chores, and last but not certainly least, a spouse.  I’ve been coasting, still occasionally going through the entire BiCupid listing of women near and far that fall within the age range of 35 to 65.

I’ve been a member of the Bi Resource Group on Yahoo for quite some time — not that they ever post anything relevant to the BiCities and I can’t attend a potluck in Santa Cruz, California! — but in January, there was a posting for:

LABEL THIS!       Because              Midwest conference on bisexualityFriday, March 28—Sunday, March 30, 2008Coffman Union, university of Minnesota, Minneapolis, Minnesota

About BECAUSE

The BECAUSE Conference is the premier weekend for bisexuals, queers, questioning, and all others who are neither one thing nor the other. BECAUSE attracts people from throughout the Midwest and beyond to attend various educational workshops, get active, and generally enjoy the community experience.

[Note from author: BECAUSE is an acronym that stands for "Bisexual Empowerment Conference: A Uniting Supportive Experience."]

I did a lot of “hmmmm-ing” about this.  Coffman Union, the University of Minnesota — my alma mater.  I’m only 10 miles away now.  Easy to get to.  The fee was reasonable.  $40.  Shoot, I had already spent $160 on BiCupid with nothing to show for it, so that wasn’t an obstacle.  After thinking about it for several weeks and talking it over with my spouse who said, “By all means, go!!  You should go!”, I submitted my registration for the conference.

I was very nervous as this weekend of the conference approached.  I don’t know exactly why.  I was NOT nervous about being out as a bisexual or being worried that I’d run into someone on campus who might want to know what I was doing there.  I am not that closeted and fearful about discovery!  

No, I think I was nervous about not knowing anyone there, about having to put my best foot forward and introduce myself.  I was concerned that I wouldn’t fit in there, that it would be a bunch of late teens and 20-Something college students who would look at me like I was their grandmother!  My husband and I had several talks about this as the weekend of the conference approached, and he pointed out, “Maybe this is your time to be a mentor, to be the voice of experience for a younger crowd.”  He’s right, but a part of me doesn’t want to be solely a mentor and a “voice of experience.”  I want a social life, too, and was just apprehensive that I was going to be relegated to that Mentor role because of my age, that my time for close relationships with women has passed.  Nope, not ready for that just yet!

The kick-off of the conference was the keynote address at 7:00 Friday evening at Coffman Union.   Dave and I met up after work and had supper together at the Caspian Bistro on the edge of the campus.  He went home to work on his model boat, and I went on to the conference just down the street about half-a-mile.

I got checked in to the conference up on the third floor of Coffman Union, filled out my name badge and selected my appropriate color-coded flashy dot to “label” me if I wanted.  I played along with it and stuck on the teal blue dot that stood for Bisexual and the golden-orangy one that stood for Polyamorous.  I filled out my boxed lunch selection for the next day which was being catered by a local coffeehouse and put that in the appropriate bin.   Then I went into the conference room and selected a seat just a row back from the front so I could see and hear the speaker well.  I draped my coat over the chair and cruised to the tables at the back of the room where they had a lot of books and magazines on display.

Then someone says from just behind my right shoulder, “Hello, Kinsey.”

I turned around, my stomach settling somewhere around my knees.  “Hello, Millie,” I returned.

Fuck!  Goddammit! 

“Thank you for repairing those necklaces.  That was nice of you.  They were perfect,” she said.

Keep your voice neutral and unemotional, I instructed myself.  “You’re welcome,” I replied, actually thinking, Nice of you to thank me for that repair work over eight months after the fact!  

“How have you been?” she wanted to know.

“Fine,” I stated, offering no further elaboration.

She paused for a moment and then said, “Well, good to see you.”    She turned and walked away.

“Yeah,” I muttered to her back.

I noticed that she was seated with another woman just behind where I had parked my coat.  Great.  Just fucking great.  I couldn’t even put some physical distance between us without making it obvious that I was doing that since I would have to retrieve my coat and bag from the row in front of her.  I decided to just sit where I was and not make any further display of my emotions about seeing her.

Several people got up and spoke during the next hour, and I enjoyed listening to all of them, particularly the local psychotherapist, Dr. Margaret Charmoli, who hosts a half-hour weekly cable TV show called BiCities!.  I don’t watch television and don’t have cable TV, but if I did, I would watch this show!  She is bisexual and a bi-activist, along with being a therapist and a TV show host,  and I loved listening to her talk about the quest to be included, the quest to be understood, the quest to be treated as the unique entity that we are and not as a “fucked-up subset of the gay/lesbian community.”  I found myself nodding my head a lot and really internalizing what she had to say.

The person actually designated as the keynote speaker is a psychotherapist and researcher by the name of Ron Fox, a man in his 60s who has identified as bisexual since his 20s.  He, too, captured much of the emotions and experiences that I have been through while making a similar journey during the same era.   While listening to both him and Dr. Charmoli talk, I didn’t feel crazy or confused or fucked-up for being a bisexual.  I felt proud and integrated and whole, and it was so refreshing and wonderful to hear these remarkably intelligent, productive, dynamic people affirm this!

Yes, yes, I thought, I soooo belong here!  I need to be here!  This is a great place for me to be!

Unfortunately, the whole time I was listening to the speakers, I was also aware of Millie sitting behind me with her friend, whispering their little conversations.  It was unnerving and unsettling.  I had not been prepared in the least to spend the BECAUSE conference in the same room with Millie!

I was quite undecided what I was going to do about that.  At the end of the speakers’ presentations, I did not stay for the refreshments and social hour.  I headed for the door immediately and made my exit.  Before I left, I stopped at the registration table and pulled my lunch order from the bin and pocketed it.

I drove home, feeling confused, upset, adolescent, and frustrated.