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If one were to read the comments following the post, “Speechless,” one would get a feel for my recent experience on the rather popular dating site I frequent. I frequent this site because it’s free, you can write all the emails you want to any member for free, the quizzes are kind of fun if one is bored, and the blogs can be interesting and entertaining. And did I mention that there are no membership fees and it’s free? Of course, there is also the faint hope lurking in the depths of my soul that I might happen to even connect with a woman on a deeper level, either as a good friend, a lover, or VERY ideally speaking, both. Yes, hope springs eternal.
As I previously said, I found this young gentleman’s blog post on my homescreen sidebar and read it. I read all the comments that followed and continued to read them as they accumulated over the course of the next day to a total of 190. It really got me to thinking about my own history in the realm of polyamory — although I still have trouble even putting that label on my marriage — and how it came to pass that we’ve accepted nonmonogamy as a viable option in our relationship, given that it runs against the grain of what is considered acceptable in our society. I spent the better part of an evening composing my thoughts and committing them to writing. I posted that blog both here and on that dating site’s blog.
I got zero responses to that blog on the dating site, and after roughly 24 hours, I posted my reaction to that in “Speechless.” One gentleman is very popular on the site; in fact, I think he must spend a great deal of time just sitting on the dating site, reading and commenting on everyone’s blogs. Interestingly enough, he is a bisexual man my age and a Twin Cities resident. His profile is well-written. He is obviously intelligent. For those reasons alone, he made it onto my Favorites list during my first week on the site.
Since that time, he has made some blunt, insensitive remarks on my blog on more than one occasion. Sometimes he’s been so far off the mark that I can tell that he doesn’t even read carefully enough to catch the details of what I’m talking about before typing a blunt one-liner. I haven’t really seen any compassion or sensitivity in any other comments he’s made on others’ blogs, either, although generally they’re just one- or two-line superficial comments.
He was the one who said to me in his comment to “Speechless” that the post was too personal and too long, that people respond to “brief and pithy.” My dear friend, Randi Sue, also said that people respond to short, general posts more than the lengthy, complex ones. She herself didn’t know what kind of comment to make on some of the things I write. One commenter to ”Speechless” noted that some of the posts that receive the greatest number of comments are when folks are just having fun, joking around, bantering, and generally partying down on the site.
Well, fine. My error in judgment for even posting it there. I promise, ma, it won’t happen again! Furthermore, I finally did what I’ve felt like doing for awhile and cut Mr. Blunt, the local guy, from my Favorites, along with a mess of other people’s names I’ve collected over my four months there. Not that this has any bearing on anything. They can still view my profile, send me email, and read my blog as long as it’s not a restricted-access post. It just felt good in a useless sort of way to go through and delete the names of people who have contributed nothing to my wellbeing during my sessions on the dating site.
It’s a good thing that it’s free or I wouldn’t be signing up for a continued membership! Since it’s free, however, I may continue to check in one in a while. Like I said, hope springs eternal.
No, no, I’m not referring to me! I’m referring to the others on both this website and the dating site I hang out on. As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, this 22-year-old guy wrote a blog post Tuesday evening on our dating site about what polyamory means to him and his wife. By this morning, the comment count was up to 190 comments. Granted, it seemed as most of these people were talking amongst themselves rather than to the blogger, but nonetheless, this fairly simple blog generated a great deal of activity. It probably took the blogger all of 15 minutes to write.
I decided to sit down last night and write my own post about what polyamory personally means to me and my husband. I posted it here and then copied it to the dating site on my blog there. You know what? I got zero comments. Not one. As far as I know, it was completely ignored or never seen.
Why is that?
Yeah, I know. I’m 52-years-old and certainly not in the prime demographics for dating sites. Who wants to even look at the profile of a 52-year-old woman? Who cares what she has to say? She’s old!
Then again, maybe I truly do leave people speechless. I’m sharing my experiences rather than asking for their opinions and advice. Their opinions aren’t going to change the the dynamics of my marriage after 35 years.
I’m not seeking approval or validation for my lifestyle and choices. No one else has walked in my shoes. This journey is mine and my husband’s based on how it all came together for us.
I’m not seeking a feeling of belonging. You’ll never find me joining a group or club that has Poly-Anything in its title.
I’m not out to promote the polyamorous lifestyle or tout its benefits or try to sell anyone on it. I feel that how I conduct my intimate relationship is my own business. It’s a very personal decision that came from the consideration of many factors and alternatives. I don’t discuss it with my coworkers, my casual friends or acquaintances. People know about my nonmonogamous marriage in Real Life on a “need to know” basis.
So, the score? 22-year-old male, married for one month: polyamory post generates 190 comments. 52-year-old female, married for 35 years: polyamory post generates 0 comments.
Go figure!
April 2, 1998
I have felt different and alone most of my adult life because of my sexual orientation. At one time, some years ago, I erroneously believed that the lesbian community would be supportive of me but I’ve found out that that definitely is not the case. (Definitely not the case as in, “I’m looking for a GENUINE lesbian. No men, couples, bi’s, or drugs…”) The “straight” world doesn’t know what to make of bisexuality, either. The only women who really understand, I believe, are those who have been in the same position at some time in their lives, and it’s hard to meet those women. They tend to be invisible out there in the world unless you know specifically how to connect with them. Thank God for places like Chrysalis Women’s Center bisexual women’s support group! We could use more resources like that!
I know that some lesbian women view bisexuality as the inability or unwillingness to make a commitment to lesbianism, and as such, it’s considered a phony and frivolous stance in life. There is suspicion and mistrust there because we bisexual women act as though we like women but at the same time we’re perceived as wanting to retain our “heterosexual privilege.” Granted, there are plenty of women out there who just want to give sex with another woman a try for the novelty and intrigue of it or to please a male partner with a threesome, with no interest in it beyond that superficial physical level. I have no interest in a sexual involvement with those women, either. I need and want the emotional connection with a woman, the kind of closeness that comes from sharing interests, spending time together, allowing another person to see beyond the superficial traits.
I’ve been bisexual since my teens, somehow never quite going through a stage or “orientation” that seems so popular in the personals ads, that of being “bi-curious.” That first relationship which began with my best friend at the end of 10th grade happened so naturally and spontaneously, with absolutely no thought whatsoever spent beforehand on pondering, “I wonder what it would be like with another woman. I wonder if I could just try it. No hassles or commitments or anything.” (Like smoking one’s first cigarette just to see what it’s all about without wanting to be called a “smoker.” The big difference, however, is that people aren’t objects to be experimented with.) It just happened because we loved each other and wanted to share that newly-discovered pleasure with each other.
I have felt different and alone most of my adult life because of my sexual orientation. At one time, some years ago, I erroneously believed that the lesbian community would be supportive of me but I’ve found out that that definitely is not the case. (Definitely not the case as in, “I’m looking for a GENUINE lesbian. No men, couples, bi’s, or drugs…”) The “straight” world doesn’t know what to make of bisexuality, either. The only women who really understand, I believe, are those who have been in the same position at some time in their lives, and it’s hard to meet those women. They tend to be invisible out there in the world unless you know specifically how to connect with them. Thank God for places like Chrysalis Women’s Center bisexual women’s support group! We could use more resources like that!
I know that some lesbian women view bisexuality as the inability or unwillingness to make a commitment to lesbianism, and as such, it’s considered a phony and frivolous stance in life. There is suspicion and mistrust there because we bisexual women act as though we like women but at the same time we’re perceived as wanting to retain our “heterosexual privilege.” Granted, there are plenty of women out there who just want to give sex with another woman a try for the novelty and intrigue of it or to please a male partner with a threesome, with no interest in it beyond that superficial physical level. I have no interest in a sexual involvement with those women, either. I need and want the emotional connection with a woman, the kind of closeness that comes from sharing interests, spending time together, allowing another person to see beyond the superficial traits.
I’ve been bisexual since my teens, somehow never quite going through a stage or “orientation” that seems so popular in the personals ads, that of being “bi-curious.” That first relationship which began with my best friend at the end of 10th grade happened so naturally and spontaneously, with absolutely no thought whatsoever spent beforehand on pondering, “I wonder what it would be like with another woman. I wonder if I could just try it. No hassles or commitments or anything.” (Like smoking one’s first cigarette just to see what it’s all about without wanting to be called a “smoker.” The big difference, however, is that people aren’t objects to be experimented with.) It just happened because we loved each other and wanted to share that newly-discovered pleasure with each other.
I quite vividly remember Jane asking me the next morning if I felt strange or guilty about anything that we had done the night before, if I felt any differently about her.
“No,” I answered simply. “Do you?”
“No,” she replied. “I just feel all the closer to you.” We looked intently at each other as we made this acknowledgment, enjoying that special moment, not knowing how these feelings would affect us in the years ahead. We were best friends and lovers over the course of the next two years.
If things had been different in my relationship with Jane at that time, there’s a possibility that I could have adopted lesbianism as my way of life. However, things were rocky between Jane and me (although they were always good in bed!) She was depressed and self-destructive. She attempted suicide three times during the course of our relationship and was involved with drugs towards the end of it. I did what I could to help, but without a willingness on her part to help herself, there eventually was nothing I could do but end the relationship in an effort to take care of myself. And my fiance was there, as was hers. It diverted me from making that unconventional decision regarding my lifestyle, which I know I really wasn’t up to dealing with at the age of seventeen.
I’ve thought a lot about the issue of bisexuality being an avoidance of coming out as a lesbian. Early in my twenties, I spent a lot of energy and thought on that issue. I had many lesbian friends, went with them regularly to lesbian coffeehouses and bars (and, yes, slept with more than a few of them on a casual basis), and attended a GLBT church. I allowed myself to be filmed in the front row of that church for a TV special about the gay community in the Twin Cities. I was quite “out” and understood completely what it felt like to be same-sex oriented, even though I was a married woman. I couldn’t tell my husband to buzz off because of his gender, however, even though that’s what some of my lesbian acquaintances encouraged me to do. He’s a very sensitive, gentle, caring and giving man, and I can’t imagine life without him. (He’s been a part of my life for 27 1/2 years now – 64% of it already!)
This era of my life also speaks quite pointedly to the fact that if I sincerely felt deep in my heart that I was a lesbian and wished to have intimate relationships only with the same sex, I have the inner courage to follow that path. Indecision and lack of inner courage have never seemed to be traits that apply to me!
If my husband were to predecease me or we were to divorce, I have given consideration to what I would do. Would I then come out as a lesbian? The answer is still no. If my relationship with him were to come to an end, my next serious relationship could be with a woman, a woman I may spend the rest of my life with in happy sexual monogamy. But I would always have that knowledge of my potential to love and appreciate the opposite gender and would remain self-identified as bisexual, even if I chose not to have a sexual relationship with a man again.
It has now been seventeen years since my last sexual relationship with a woman. The pieces just weren’t fitting together decently for me back at the time that last relationship ended in 1981. I seemed to be getting involved in two kinds of relationships: the other woman was a lesbian and got emotionally involved to the extent of wanting me to leave my husband, or she was “bi-curious” (although that phrase wasn’t in popular use then) and felt uncomfortable with the experience if it hinted at anything other than a “no strings attached” sexual experience. Neither one was fulfilling my needs. I knew beyond any doubts that I was bisexual. I did not want to leave my husband, nor did I want to get involved with a woman who was afraid of emotional closeness and intimacy. I needed a relationship that could blend the important parts of my life in the right proportions – and those right proportions were not achieved at that time. (However, my sexual appetite being what it was in my twenties, I got involved in plenty of situations that really shouldn’t have happened if I had been using any shred of good judgment!)
A couple of years back, though, I hit a major crisis brought about by some losses in my life and found myself nosediving into depression. I sought help for that, and as part of that endeavor realized that I had to get back in touch with the core of my being. I felt empty. I felt as though I had given up a lot of myself along the way. Hence, the ads in Yahoo when we got our Internet service in December as an attempt to reconnect with my feelings, my priorities, and my inner sense of community and belonging.
I’ve got to be who I am. I need the closeness of women in my life. I’ve found that I need the closeness of the GLBT community in general in my life. I don’t know if I’ll ever have a sexual relationship with a woman again. It depends on if the circumstances are right – and my judgment of that IS much more refined now that what it ever was before! – but that’s not even the most important thing anymore. The important thing is being true to myself and being open to the potential that lies within.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our lives begin to end
the day we become silent
about things that
matter.
-Martin Luther King, Jr.-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Xtreme Reaction
November 1, 2008 in Internet dating, Transgender | Tags: comments on journal entries, extreme reactions | 2 comments
I was spending some time on Ye Olde Dating Site this afternoon and came across a journal entry from a 31 year old presurgical trans woman. Someone commented on how brave she is in dealing with her issues, and she responded, “There’s nothing brave about me. I’m a big huge coward and I’m taking years longer than I should be to get through this process because of my immense cowardice. I’m being open about who I am online because I’m too much of a coward and too non-confrontational to leave it as the non-issue it really ought to be… “
I commented that I’ve dated trans women in their 40s and 50s who were just then dealing with some of the issues she is dealing with. (She delete my comment so I can’t quote myself directly!) I went on to say that everyone follows their own timetable for these things, including SRS, and she shouldn’t feel pressured to be at a certain place with some things because she thinks she should be or she perceives that others think she should be in a certain place with it. I wished her the best of luck on her journey.
Moments later, I get this IM from her through the website’s Instant Messaging function:
5:12:52 pm)Kate:Very presumtuous of you.
(5:13:05 pm)Kate:I think I’m going to go ahead and cancel your comment rather than post a reply to it.
(5:13:33 pm)Kate:I just don’t have the energy to correct peoples’ misconceptions right now.
(5:13:52 pm)Kate:Thank you for making me feel more misunderstood, isolated and alone, though.
(5:15:35 pm)Kinsey:I’m not sure what I was presumptuous about. I mentioned SRS. If it’s not a consideration, it’s not a consideration. It isn’t for everyone.
(5:16:21 pm)Kate:What’s presumptuous of you is assuming that the reason I feel I’m taking too long has anything to do with anyone’s else’s opinion of how long it should take.
(5:16:47 pm)Kate:Not everyone is capable of living in the wrong body for 40 to 50 years and still remaining reasonably functional.
(5:17:13 pm)Kate:If I take much longer, I’m going to end up on disability and will never ever be able to afford to complete the process.
(5:17:21 pm)Kate:And at that point I might as well fucking kill myself.
(5:17:36 pm)Kate:Also, yes, I find the notion of equating “woman” with “person who has a vagina” to be somewhat offensive.
(5:17:56 pm)Kate:As would many other feminists.
Wow. All of this in response to what seems to be a couple of pretty innocent sentences and my best wishes for her happiness! I felt very attacked!
Did I block her? I’m afraid I did. :=(