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I snagged this from an email I had sent to a close friend last summer, a week or so after my decision to end the relationship with Millie:
I’ve been happier these past few months than I’ve probably ever been in my adult life. It’s not because I was in love with Millie. I hadn’t gotten there with the relationship yet. I saw what was going on in her life with the multiple partners and general unsettledness and it wasn’t a place where I was going to put my trust just yet. I was observing and waiting to see what was going to happen in her life before I let my emotions run towards the “in love” side. We never said those three little words to each other.
What I’ve been happy about — happier than I’ve ever been — is the integration of my sexual orientation into a fulfilling configuration in my life. I’ve been “out” with my orientation to more people than I’ve ever been: some coworkers, my doctor, my sister, my niece, other friends. I’ve allowed the faceless public to see what affection looks like between two women. I’ve been at ease with that. Hell, I’ve reveled in that! For once, I felt like I was in a relationship that embraced my love of women and my love for my husband, without those two facets of my life being at odds with each other. Those pieces of my life were blending into a whole — the whole much greater than the sum of the parts. I always knew it could be this way! My bisexuality is a positive thing, not a negative, not a stance of confusion. It’s the blending and embracing of a spectrum of feelings, appreciation and desire in a way that many people will never experience. It’s a beautiful thing! It’s a blessing and a gift.But no, it hasn’t been a happy place for me for most of my teen and adult life because it’s not an accepted orientation. It’s a tough road to travel. I’ve often refuted the claim that bisexuality is a stance of a person confused about their true gay/lesbian identity. If I were predominantly lesbian in my orientation, would I choose this path called bisexuality? The answer is undoubtedly no. It is much easier to be either lesbian or straight, and if I were either of those things, I wouldn’t have any trouble being one of those orientations and living openly as straight or lesbian.
I’m not either/or, and I realized that many, many years ago when my lesbian friends were encouraging me to leave my husband and “come out” as the lesbian woman they felt I was. I’m bisexual, and I have chosen the path that allows me to experience the range of emotions and fulfillment inherent in that orientation rather than denying myself one or the other. This is a stance of courage, of being true to who I am, not a stance of fear and confusion.
For the first time, with Millie, I felt integrated and whole, pleased with who I am. There was a tremendous joy inside me in a way that hadn’t been there before.
I felt so wonderful and joyful during this time that I was afraid I would crash, afraid that this would all be a dream. Millie pulled away from the relationship ten days ago, and I felt the crash was at hand, and it scared me. Temporarily.
Then I discovered that all those feelings of wholeness, of integration, of self-acceptance and self-appreciation were all inside me. They were all still there! Those feelings aren’t dependent on Millie or anyone else. They’re part of ME. I’m still VERY happy and very proud to be me.
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