Pardon My Wet Celery

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.

So he says, ‘Do you know me?’

To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids.’

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, ‘Are you the stripper from that frat party that I screwed on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???’

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ‘No, I’m your son’s second grade teacher.’

Cause of Death?

My husband and I, both over 50-years-old, had our annual check-ups recently.  The inevitable colonoscopy recommendation comes up at every check-up, a procedure that we’ve both declined to have so far.  (No lectures, please.  I’m an R.N. with dual degrees in health care fields.  I know what the statistics are regarding colorectal cancer.)

We were talking about the pros and cons of the colonoscopy procedure again, a topic of conversation that comes up now and again for obvious reasons.  I voiced the opinion that I really doubted that colorectal cancer would be the cause of my death, given my lack of obvious risk factors for it and my clear risk factors for other illnesses.

He said, “Yeah, I don’t think that colon cancer will probably be the cause of my death, either.  If anything, I would say that the cause of my death will be a jealous girlfriend.”

“A jealous girlfriend!” I exclaimed.  “Whose?”

“YOURS!” he replied.

I laughed until tears threatened to roll down my cheeks!

Of course, it won’t be a laughing matter if it actually happens….