So Much More Than….

A friend of mine sent me an email response to my post, “Bigger is Better.”  She said: I like what you have written. I would add a few thoughts of my own. The only size that matters is the size and quality of the brain that is attached to the said member…   Human sexual relations is not about biology. Sex is so much more than about creating babies. As someone who has created two outstanding babies I know a thing or two about that. One thing I have to say about waiting to have sexual intercourse until one has reached sexual maturity is that the experimentation of different ways of having sex is invaluable. Straight people who ask me, “But how can two women or two men have sex? “  I just have to think that they must not be having very good sex! The point of this rambling is that sex is good and it can be great, but it is so much more than intercourse.

Oh, honey, I couldn’t agree with you more!  Lovemaking between two human beings is so much more than penetrating a partner’s body with a penis!  That act is enjoyable in its own way, and it is certainly symbolic of an intimate union between lovers, but that intimacy depicted by union of penis and vagina/anus is just that: symbolic.  It says nothing about the emotional intimacy and trust, the depth of communication and commitment that exists between a couple engaged in this act.  All of those other and more important aspects of sexual and emotional intimacy can exist in the absence of intercourse.

My own experiences with this have taught me some valuable lessons.  Of course, my bisexuality has taught me that a penis doesn’t even need to be part of the equation when it comes to sexual pleasure and satisfaction.  Two women together possess everything they need to satisfy each other: long, sensuous kisses, caresses, lips, tongues and fingers creatively and expertly applied to all the sensitive, responsive areas of the partner’s body, open communication, uninhibited desire and a willingness to please, humor and playfulness.  The most important sex organ that needs to be present is the mind and its attendant imagination!  The size and expanse of the human mind is the vital component of a satisfying sexual experience.  It doesn’t matter what other sexual organs are present and/or functional in the encounter!

My long-time male email correspondent whose conversations were depicted in the recent post “He Said…She Said, commented that he hates it when he ejaculates in what he considered to be too short a time.  He likes to prolong “lovemaking” for one to two hours….  [Edit: When asked to clarify what exactly he meant by “lovemaking,” he said, “Yes, by lovemaking I meant having sex.”  He substituted one vague term for another, clarifying nothing as to what he specifically was thinking.]  In response to that, I must say that if a man cannot continue lovemaking for the mutually desired time that both partners want in the absence of a firm enough erection to effect penetration, “Ur Doin It Wrong!”   It doesn’t matter in the least when ejaculation occurs during a session of lovemaking.  This does not prevent a man from continuing to please his partner with caresses, massage, digital penetration, oral sex, the creative use of toys, kissing, snuggling, sexy talk.  The sky’s the limit, and only a small percentage of it ever requires an erection!

In my own sexual experiences during a 35-year marriage, the emphasis on intercourse has become less and less with time.  This does not imply in the least that we do not have an enjoyable sex life.  In fact, I think the overall quality of our sex life has improved with time and age as we’ve let go of these expectations that each act of lovemaking include intercourse and that the man has to “last” long enough to please his partner and bring her to orgasm during penetration.  Laying aside those expectation has allowed us to focus on the pleasure involved rather than the performance.  There are no longer any performance anxieties.  He can have his orgasm first, I can have my orgasm first (and second and third!); it doesn’t matter in the least who does what when as long as the give-and-take exists and the partner is willing to explore and employ all the available avenues to sexual pleasure.  The presence or absence of an erection has ceased to be an all-consuming issue and has assumed its more appropriate place in the scheme of things.  I’m glad.  It’s a step towards the sexual enlightenment that human beings can attain.

Lovemaking between human beings is so much more than what some people have been led to believe!

 

Bigger Is Better

In my last post, I suggested that men make attempts to overcome their primitive hardwiring and cease playing competition games with the size of their penises, a practice that adversely affects the self-esteem of many of them.  I certainly don’t want to come across as a “man basher” because of this sentiment.  I’m asking men to see this behavior for what it is because I am strongly pro-male.  I’m strongly HUMAN BEING, and I’ve seen firsthand how this social behavior, this size critiquing to determine informally who is the “alpha male,” ultimately degrades a man’s self-esteem and self-confidence from a young age, sometimes never to fully recover even in the face of adult maturity and logical argument.

I’ll even be an “equal opportunity employer” here for a moment since women go through the same thing with the size of their breasts.  Even though size has nothing to do with the responsiveness of the breasts and nipples to sexual stimulation and pleasure, small-to-average size women perceive themselves as less sexually attractive than their “well-endowed” sisters.  Some suffer low self-esteem over this issue.  Many have chosen to have augmentation surgery in order to have the sexually attractive breasts they perceive men and society want.  Fortunately, this is a relatively simple (although expensive) option for women since the function of the breasts is not affected by the surgery in the absence of lactation.  Let’s face it, the function of the breasts is large ornamental, except for those limited times in some women’s lives when they provide nutrition for an infant.  Other than that, breasts sell products of all kinds, support the women’s fashion industry, pad cosmetic surgeons’ wallets, and provide a fertile breeding ground for cancer cells.  Women would do well to be a little less preoccupied with their breasts unless it is to provide them with monthly exams and periodic mammograms!

I’d be the last one to say, however, that size is never a factor when it comes to certain kinds of sexual stimulation. There are occasions when certain sizes fit better together during sexual penetration.  Bigger can be just as detrimental to sexual pleasure as smaller because not all women are “size queens” and certain dimensions can be downright uncomfortable to some women, depending on their experience level, the position of their pelvic organs, the presence of vaginal or perineal scar tissue due to childbirth, and the woman’s hormonal state.  On the other hand, an average to smaller size penis, coupled with a vagina and supporting pelvic ligaments that have been through the effects of childbirth, surgery, and/or aging, may result in a situation where neither partner is getting the full pleasurable benefit from sexual intercourse.

So, what do you do when the the size of the object being inserted doesn’t match the dimensions of the space it’s being inserted into and some lessening of pleasure is the result for one or both partners?  There is one answer that is correct no matter what the details are of the particular situation: use the big brain that human beings are blessed with.  Human beings have the biggest and most complex brain of any of the animals on earth.  It allows them to analyze a situation and consider the array of choices that may be available.  It allows them to modify a situation and find ways of solving a problem.  Unlike our parrot and orangutan and cheetah counterparts, there isn’t one way and one way only to accomplish sexual pleasure and union.  Lay aside preconceived notions and explore the options!

“Exploring the options” may be any one or a combination of many, many different things.  Put aside embarrassment and defensiveness and talk to your partner about it.  Ask her opinion.  Listen to her likes and dislikes. Use your collective big brains to consider all the choices on the list.  It may come down to a very reasonable conclusion that intercourse is not the end-all-and-be-all it was once assumed to be.  There are many ways to sexual pleasure, and if you’re not trying to make a baby, there is no biological reason for every occasion of lovemaking to include intercourse.  There are different kinds of kisses and caresses, the creative use of lips, tongues and fingers.  There is the concept of “outercourse” to explore, and an array of playthings and enhancements readily available for consideration.  Take her shopping at the Smitten Kitten Boutique or give her a gift certificate to The Blowfish catalog.  If it’s G-Spot stimulation she needs or a sensation of deep pressure in her vagina or anus, she shall have it if she wants it with just a little exploration and encouragement.  And always remember that sex toys are in no way a replacement for your loving, enthusiastic participation in this pleasurable, creative process! 

If correcting the erectile dysfunction that many middle-aged and older men experience would return some pleasure to your sex life, consider what you can do about it.  Men commonly experience this as a side-effect of hypertension, diabetes, and cardiovascular disease and the medications that are used to treat these conditions.  Would improving your overall health by losing some weight, diet modifications, and exercise help to control these conditions and reduce the amount of medication required to treat these conditions?  It’s sound advice, regardless of its effect on E.D.   Perhaps you’re a candidate for asking your physician “if Levitra is right for you!”    If you think this may improve the sexual experience that you share with your partner, swallow your pride and embarrassment and ask!  Thousands upon thousands of these prescriptions are written for men with diminished erectile response, and doctors don’t even blink an eye at the request. 

In conclusion, human beings are different from animals.  Human beings have the largest, most complex brain of any of the life forms on this Class M planet.  In this sense, and in this sense only, bigger is better.  Use that big brain to realize that sex is so much more than procreation of the species, that it is an expression of joy, pleasure, trust and sharing in an intimate relationship.  There are so, so many ways to do that, and none of them involve the size of a penis or the cup size of a pair of breasts.  Use that complex brain wisely to consider all the choices and all the reasons why size doesn’t matter when it comes to sexual love between two human beings.  Be a self-confident lover who knows his unique human intelligence, his capacity for love, gives him everything he needs to be a creative, wonderful, satisfying partner.

And that is the bottom line.