I snagged this from an email I had sent to a close friend last summer, a week or so after my decision to end the relationship with Millie:

I’ve been happier these past few months than I’ve probably ever been in my adult life. It’s not because I was in love with Millie. I hadn’t gotten there with the relationship yet. I saw what was going on in her life with the multiple partners and general unsettledness and it wasn’t a place where I was going to put my trust just yet. I was observing and waiting to see what was going to happen in her life before I let my emotions run towards the “in love” side. We never said those three little words to each other.

What I’ve been happy about — happier than I’ve ever been — is the integration of my sexual orientation into a fulfilling configuration in my life. I’ve been “out” with my orientation to more people than I’ve ever been: some coworkers, my doctor, my sister, my niece, other friends. I’ve allowed the faceless public to see what affection looks like between two women. I’ve been at ease with that. Hell, I’ve reveled in that! For once, I felt like I was in a relationship that embraced my love of women and my love for my husband, without those two facets of my life being at odds with each other. Those pieces of my life were blending into a whole — the whole much greater than the sum of the parts. I always knew it could be this way! My bisexuality is a positive thing, not a negative, not a stance of confusion. It’s the blending and embracing of a spectrum of feelings, appreciation and desire in a way that many people will never experience. It’s a beautiful thing! It’s a blessing and a gift.But no, it hasn’t been a happy place for me for most of my teen and adult life because it’s not an accepted orientation. It’s a tough road to travel. I’ve often refuted the claim that bisexuality is a stance of a person confused about their true gay/lesbian identity. If I were predominantly lesbian in my orientation, would I choose this path called bisexuality? The answer is undoubtedly no. It is much easier to be either lesbian or straight, and if I were either of those things, I wouldn’t have any trouble being one of those orientations and living openly as straight or lesbian.

I’ve struggled with this issue a bit lately: what to do with the personal subject matter of my sexual orientation?  A significant part of me wanted to just put it in my “regular” blog where I write about a variety of subjects pertaining to my life.  Why make this topic any different from writing about my marriage or my job or the movies I’ve seen?

Because it is different.

I’ve got a few friends on my other blog who might be uncomfortable reading about my sexual orientation.  I don’t want to subject them to that discomfort unless they actively express an interest in knowing, either directly or because they’ve come across my blog through certain search terms that they themselves have employed.  I don’t want to open up a lot of controversies with nonsupportive, unappreciative folks!  That’s not the purpose of writing a blog like this.

So what IS the purpose?  The purpose is to allow myself to talk about, share, and explore these issues without censoring myself.  I feel as though I’m in a phase of my life again where I need to do that.  I need to connect with some like-minded people and develop a personal support group who can appreciate this journey.  For the most part, this has been a very lonely journey, and I’m very frustrated with being isolated and lonely!

I’ll give Marissa some credit here for getting this particular journal underway.  Her post, “Censoring Me,”  rattled my cage, got me to thinking about this issue of what to say where.  I don’t really like compartmentalizing my life this way.  I feel as though I should just be able to put everything out there in proud and forthright terms, my personal photo right along side those posts, my friends and family able to read it if they so choose, without trepidation and concern about the consequences.  But that’s a Perfect World, the one that exists in my fantasy life!  I know that there would be concerns and possible unpleasant repercussions if I put it all out there under my true, unveiled identity.  This is a compromise, a relatively safe place to write without censoring myself, and I need that right now.

So, if you’re an invited friend, or if you’ve come across this blog because you’re looking for like-minded folks as well, stop and read.  Comment.  Become a friend.

Welcome!